HOW CAN ONE RECOGNISE PARENTAL ALIENATION?
Parental alienation has been present for as long as families have existed. In a previous article we discussed the difference between estrangement and parental alienation. By means of the five-factor model, a professional can know what to look for when attempting to understand whether parental alienation is present or not.
The Five Factor Model
The five-factor model is described as follows:
“Factor One, the child manifests contact resistance or refusal, i.e., avoids a relationship with one of the parents.
Factor Two, the presence of a prior positive relationship between the child and the now-rejected parent.
Factor Three, the absence of abuse, neglect, or seriously deficient parenting on the part of the now-rejected parent.
Factor Four, the use of multiple alienating behaviours on the part of the favoured parent.
Factor Five, the child exhibits many of the eight behavioural manifestations of alienation” (Bernet, 2020, p. 3).
The five-factor model is referred to in many notable works, including the Parental Alienation Europe website (Bernet, 2019).
The Eight Symptoms of Parental Alienation
There are eight different symptoms which can be present in the child who suffers because of parental alienation, most of which are adapted from Gardner’s work and have also been referred to in an earlier article.
The eight symptoms as outlined in Bernet (2019) are:
1. Vilification of a parent;
2. Insignificant and superficial reasons for not wanting to see the alienated parent;
3. Viewing one parent as being the embodiment of good while the other as the embodiment of evil;
4. A child emphasising that the ideas and decisions are solely his/her own;
5. Automatically choosing to support one parent;
6. Lack of guilt towards the alienated parent;
7. Borrowed scenarios;
8. Not wanting to spend time with alienated parent’s extended family.
The Seventeen Alienating Strategies
Bernet (2019) and Baker & Sauber (2013) list the seventeen alienating strategies parents employ to alienate the other parent, which strategies are as follows:
Strategy 1: Badmouthing
The alienating parent uses verbal and non-verbal communications that send a message to the child that the targeted parent does not love them, that they are unsafe with such parent, and that such parent is absent. Present flaws are exaggerated, and new flaws are invented. Statements are made frequently, passionately, with great sincerity, and are continuously unbalanced by anything positive.
Strategy 2: Limiting Contact
The alienating parent disrupts parenting plans and/or takes advantage of uncertainties in the plan in order to spend more time with the child. The targeted parent now has fewer chances to defend themselves against the badmouthing message, leading to the parent–child attachment relationship weakening. The child gets used to spending less time with the targeted parent and a court might even reward the alienating parent by instituting the new current situation become a permanent solution.
Strategy 3: Interfering with Communication
The alienating parent demands continual access to the child when the child is with the targeted parent but does not provide continual access when the child is with him/her. Communication via telephone, mobile and email is delayed. The alienated parent has less opportunities to be a part of the child’s daily life.
Strategy 4: Interfering with Symbolic Communication
The alienating parent creates a home atmosphere where the child does not feel that they can think about, talk about, and look at pictures of the other parent while away, hence hindering the child from feeing close and connected to the absent parent.
On the contrary, alienating parents, impose their presence to the child even when the child is with the targeted parent. The child is consumed with thoughts of the alienating parent, contacts them constantly to check in, follow rules enforced by the alienator and constantly worry that the alienating parent will be distressed or furious. The child’s mind and heart are consumed with the alienator and there is no space left for the child to think and feel anything for the targeted parent.
Strategy 5: Withdrawal of Love
The alienating parent presents their love as the ultimate prize. However, their love is conditional, leaving the devastated child doing anything to avoid the alienating parent from feeling mad or disappointed.
Unfortunately, what usually angers and hurts the alienating parent the most is the child’s love and affection for the other parent. Therefore, the child is left with the impossible decision of sacrificing the safe parent’s love to secure the other person’s love.
While the child may not notice this strategy, the other parent would be aware of what the alienating parent is doing.
Strategy 6: Telling the Child that Targeted Parent Does Not Love Him or Her
Another specific form of defaming happens when the alienating parent allows or incites the child to arrive to the conclusion that the other parent does not love them. The alienating parent might say things that combine the end of the marriage with the end of the parent’s love for the child (example your mother left us because she doesn’t love us anymore/your father left us because he doesn’t need us in his life). The alienating parent will make the child believe that they are being rejected by the targeted parent and will twist every situation to make it appear as if that is what is happening.
Strategy 7: Forcing Child to Choose
The alienating parent will abuse uncertainties in the parenting plan and create occasions to coerce the child away from the other parent by planning conflicting activities and bribing by promising and privileges. If both parents are present at the same event/location, the child will favour the alienating parent and ignore or be rude to the targeted parent.
Strategy 8: Creating the Impression that the Targeted Parent is Dangerous
This is a specific method of badmouthing, where the alienating parent makes it seem as if the other parent is dangerous. The child will be lied to or given exaggerated stories about how the targeted parent has tried to harm them or has been negligent. The child does not remember any of these stories however will come to believe them, especially if the stories are repeated a lot.
Strategy 9: Confiding in the Child
The child would be involved in conversations about legal activities and other conversations/disagreements between the parents. The alienating parent would do this to create an alliance, making it seem that the alienating parent is the victim of the situation and the targeted parent as the perpetrator. The aim is to incite anger towards the other parent and to become protective towards the alienating parent. These confidences would make the child feel important and proud to be included in adult conversations.
Strategy 10: Forcing Child to Reject the Targeted Parent
The alienating parent makes sure that there are situations where their child rejects the alienated parent. Examples include cancelling visitation time or demand that the other parent does not attend an important event. The targeted parent ends up being deprived of being present for their child, something which stirs up feelings of pain and unwantedness. Without awareness, the targeted parent might vent out this frustration on the child, further damaging the delicate relationship. Once the child has hurt a parent, they would defend their actions for doing so.
Strategy 11: Asking the Child to Spy on the Targeted Parent
Targeted parents have sensitive information which they would store at their place. An alienating parent would suggest that it is in the child’s best interest to share this information with the alienating parent, for example knowing whether the other parent had an increase in salary would enable them to ask for more money to fund a particular hobby the child has. Once a child goes through with this, they will likely end up feeling guilty and avoid that parent to avoid dealing with their guilt, further enhancing parental alienation.
Strategy 12: Asking the Child to Keep Secrets from the Targeted Parent
Similar to the previous strategy, keeping secrets from the targeted parent will be reframed as being in the child’s best interest, such as “if they knew I got a raise at work they would ask for more money to spend on their lifestyle, if you keep this between us, I will be able to buy you more presents”. Like the previous strategy, the guilt creates psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent and hurts the targeted parent once they find out that their child had kept secrets from them.
Strategy 13: Referring to the Targeted Parent by their First Name
An alienating parent will use the targeted parent’s first name when speaking to the child instead of saying “your mother/father”. Doing so over an extended period of time could make the child do the same. This would interfere with the child’s relationship with the other parent as the alienating parent would seek to destroy the parent-child relationship by inciting the view that the other parent is not part of the family.
Strategy 14: Referring to a Stepparent as “Mother” or “Father” and Encouraging Child to Do the Same
Should the alienating parent re-marry, they would start referring to their new partner as the mother/father. Conversations with other people will include the new partner as if they are their mother/father instead of a stepparent thus encouraging the child to do the same. This is particular hurtful to targeted parent once they find out that a child is referring to this stepparent as their parent.
Strategy 15: Withholding Medical, Academic, and Other Important Information from the Targeted Parent and/or Keeping Targeted Parent’s Name off of Medical, Academic, and Other Relevant Documents
An alienating parent will put the alienated parent at a huge disadvantage by not including them as a person to contact and to keep informed in school and extracurricular activities. Without this important information the other parent would not be able to remain involved in important parts of the child’s life or being contacted should there be an emergency.
In addition, the alienating parent will not provide the targeted parent with information regarding their child, whether it is about matters regarding their education, extracurricular activities and health. This would ensure that the parent is being cut out of the child’s life while emphasising to the child that the other parent is not there for the important aspects of the child’s life.
Strategy 16: Changing the Child’s Name to Remove Association with the Targeted Parent
Should the alienating parent be the mother, after the divorce or split, the mother would revert to using her maiden surname and use this surname for her children. If she marries/re-marries, she will use the new partner’s surname for the child, in an attempt to remove the child’s connection with their parent.
Should the alienating parent be the father, they might create new nicknames and emphasising that they always had this nickname.
The aim would be for the alienating parent to create a new identity for the child, an identity which the alienating parent is not a part of. The targeted parent might feel as they cannot connect with their child who is embracing this new name and might also see this new identity as a direct rejection towards them.
Strategy 17: Cultivating Dependency
Children who are alienated regard the alienating parent as though they are perfect and everything they do is extraordinary. The alienated children depend on the alienated parent in a way that is not fitting their maturity and capabilities.
An alienating parent will make sure that their children will follow their rules to the latter while mocking the targeted parent’s rules that the targeted parent establishes.
As may be assumed, not all of the above factors, symptoms and strategies need to be evident or utilised for parental alienation to take place. Here at Iftaħ Qalbek we can empathise how difficult and disheartening it is to be a targeted parent and offer targeted parents support. If you require further assistance, please feel at liberty to reach out to us via WhatsApp or phone on 77771237 or via email at [email protected].
References:
- Baker, A. J., & Sauber, S. R. (2013). Working with alienated children and families: A clinical guidebook. Routledge.
- Bernet, W. (2019, September). The Five Factor Model. Parental Alienation Europe. https://parentalalienation.eu/the-five-factor-model/
- Bernet, W. (2019, September). 17 Alienating strategies. Parental Alienation Europe. https://parentalalienation.eu/awareness/17-alienating-strategies/
- Bernet, W. (2019, September). 8 Symptoms of Parental Alienation. Parental Alienation Europe. https://parentalalienation.eu/awareness/8-symptoms-of-parental-alienation/
- Bernet, W. (2020). The Five Factor Model for the Diagnosis of Parental Alienation. Feedback- Journal of Family Therapy Association of Ireland, 3-15.